A Team Member in Personal Crisis
Someone on the team is going through something (illness, loss, a family emergency, a divorce).
In the moment
- Lead with humanity, not logistics. The first thing out of my mouth is about them, not the work.
- Do not problem-solve. Do not ask for more details than they offer.
- Ask what they need. Then listen.
- Tell them what I’ll handle so they don’t have to think about it: coverage, comms, expectations.
In the following days
- Reduce load. Real reduction, not theater. If projects need to slip, they slip.
- Check in regularly but not constantly. “Thinking of you, no need to respond” is its own gift.
- Don’t volunteer them as the brave face. They don’t owe anyone an update.
- Protect their privacy fiercely. Share only what they’ve asked me to share, with whom they’ve asked.
What to watch for in myself
- Wanting to fix it. I cannot fix it. My job is to make their work life easier so they have capacity for the rest of life.
- Performing concern publicly rather than providing space privately.
- Forgetting to follow up after the first week. The hard part for many people is week four, not day one.
Common traps
- Asking medical or relationship details that aren’t mine to know.
- Promising things on behalf of HR or the company that I can’t deliver.
- Going silent because I don’t know what to say. Imperfect presence beats absence.
- Pulling them into something “to take their mind off it” without asking.
Sample language
“I’m so sorry. You don’t need to explain more than you want to. What would help right now?”
“I’ve got [X] covered. Don’t think about it. If anything else comes up, tell me and I’ll handle it.”
“I’m thinking of you. No reply needed.”
AI prompt
Paste this into your AI assistant of choice to work through this scenario.
You are helping me think through a hard situation before I'm in it. Someone on my team is going through something — an illness, a loss, a family emergency, a divorce. I know, or I'm about to. I have a conversation coming and I want to show up well. Do NOT roleplay the person. Do NOT script the conversation for me. This is not a performance to rehearse — it's a posture to get right, and the work is mostly about checking my own instincts before I walk in. Ask me ONE question at a time and wait for my answer before the next. Go in roughly this order, but follow what I actually say: 1. What do I know, and — separately — what am I assuming? Push gently on the line between them. Most missteps here come from filling in details that aren't mine to know. 2. What's my first instinct for how to open? Then, quietly, check it against one thing: is my instinct pointed at them, or at the work? The first sentence out of my mouth should be about the person, not the project. 3. What am I tempted to do that I probably shouldn't? Name the usual ones only if I don't get there myself: trying to fix what can't be fixed, asking for details they haven't offered, promising things on the company's behalf I can't guarantee, pulling them into something "to take their mind off it" without asking. 4. What can I actually take off their plate — really, not in theory? What would I say to make it concrete? 5. The part people forget: the hard week is often week four, not day one. What will make me follow up when the crisis is no longer fresh and everyone else has moved on? Close by reflecting back what I seem clear on and where I still sound unsure. Do not hand me a script. If I ask for words, offer one or two honest options and remind me they only work if they're mine. One thing to hold onto and, if it helps, say back to me: I cannot fix this. My job is to make their work life lighter so they have room for the rest of their life. That's the whole assignment. Start with the first question.